


It Takes Courage (To Walk Together)

by shangrilove



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Always Too Late, Angst, Drama, Left Behind - Freeform, Liverpool, M/M, Neglect, Regret, Romance, soul searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 13:18:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shangrilove/pseuds/shangrilove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel will do whatever it takes to be the mistake that Fernando can't live without.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Takes Courage (To Walk Together)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [josefinssmile](http://josefinssmile.livejournal.com/) for the [Holiday Exchange](http://fbslashmod.livejournal.com/22432.html). Based on the song _The High Road_ by Three Days Grace. I highly suggest listening to it while reading this. Many thanks to [sumrndmgrl](http://sumrndmgrl.livejournal.com/) for the beta and kind comments. Also posted [here](http://shangrilove.livejournal.com/3487.html) on LJ.

 

 

It starts because they’re both lonely. Two young men thrust into a foreign country with a lot of pressure riding on them. 

Daniel is scouted by Liverpool Football Club as a teenager and joins them when he’s seventeen. Fernando Torres is eighteen when Liverpool University offers him a writing scholarship. Daniel can’t believe Liverpool wants him and Fernando can’t afford university otherwise. 

They live in the same block of student housing, which is convenient for their hookups.  Fernando’s not sure what _this_ is, but between papers and finals and that economics professor who’s out to get him, he doesn’t think about it too much. 

It continues even as Daniel starts getting called up to the first team and the club gets him a house. Fernando moves out a couple months later into an apartment with Pepe, one of his Spanish friends with too much flair and not enough hair. 

They’re still sleeping together by the time Fernando graduates and Daniel becomes a regular for Liverpool. None of them are seeing anyone else, so he supposes that he can call it a relationship. 

~ 

The thing is, they’re not really dating. They don’t go out at all. Daniel comes over twice a week. Sometimes Fernando cooks, or they order take out and sit on the couch with a movie. 

There are weeks where they don’t see each other. Fernando free-lances for an assortment of magazines around the country, and he gets sent on assignment regularly. He sends Daniel postcards from far away places, he never writes anything though, just in case the postman reads them. 

Once in a while, Fernando comes over. Those occasions are rare and he tries to leave his mark. He’ll switch around the containers on the spice racks when he cooks and put the shampoo back where the conditioner should be. At night, he’s always a bit more desperate, moans a little deeper and feels more empty when he comes. 

He usually wakes up alone in the mornings; Daniel has to go in early for training. All the discarded clothes from the night before are piled neatly on a chair. He makes sure to take everything when he leaves. 

~ 

“Who are you playing this weekend?” Fernando asks one night while making tea. 

“Arsenal.” Daniel replies. “Why the sudden interest?” 

He hands a mug to the other man. “I think I’d like to see a match.” 

The footballer makes a non-committal noise, “I’ll get you a ticket.” 

On Sunday, Fernando goes to Anfield for the first time. He doesn’t sit with the families in the player’s box, instead he is shown to the media stand even though he has never once written about football. His pass says “National Geographic” and the other media fellows are curious. 

“Should we see Liverpool as one of the next top European destinations soon?” a friendly chap from BBC Sports asks as the players are warming up. 

Fernando blushes, he’s still not great with strangers. “No. I’m pretty much only here to watch the game.” He doesn’t like to hide the truth. 

“Ah, using media connections to get tickets.” The other writer winks. “I’ve done that a fair share of times.” 

“Something like that.” He murmurs and scans the field for a red shirt with the number five. He’s easy to spot because it seems his back is always turned. 

Liverpool wins the game 2-0 and the players walk around applauding the fans. Daniel doesn’t come near his section. In fact, he never even once glances in this direction. Fernando knows because he didn’t look at anything else. 

Daniel offers him tickets for next week’s game, but Fernando politely declines. “It really wasn’t my thing.” 

~ 

Sometimes Fernando hates himself, always clingy and anxious to please. How he spends every moment together making sure Danny is happy. 

Like when he goes to London to meet his editor every couple of weeks, he’ll wait outside Danny’s favorite bakery to buy him the first batch of Chelsea buns that day. Then he’ll drive the three hours back so he can have them as a post-training snack. 

He goes to Mount Huang and to do a story on the hundreds of couples that make the pilgrimage to attach a lock to the railing and throw away the key. He buys a padlock from the base before he starts his climb. By the time he comes down the mountain, the lock is among the other thousands, but the key stays at the bottom of his camera bag. 

His friends tell him that he deserves more. The worst part is that he doesn’t deny it. He’s young, and gets more than enough appreciative looks on the street. He could get someone else, but he doesn’t want to. 

Some days he stays at home and writes tragic fiction that he will never send to his editor. Sergio and Iker call him constantly, but he always turns them down, just in case Danny calls instead.

 He never does. 

~ 

Pepe comes over a lot. They don’t live together anymore, his friend met a girl named Yolanda and they got hitched only after five months together. Fernando is incredibly happy for the both of them. 

“Hombre, you’ve got to get out more.” He says while unpacking containers of his wife’s paella. 

“I do! I was in Africa last month and our boat was almost hijacked by Somali pirates!” he protests. 

Pepe shots him a look, “I mean outside of work. Go somewhere with Dan.” 

Fernando sighs. “You know he can’t. Someone will get suspicious if he’s always seen with the same guy.” 

“What? You’re just going to stay hidden until he retires? Wait another decade for him?” Pepe usually supports his friends’ life choices, but only if they aren’t complete idiots. 

“Do I have any other choice?” Fernando asks as-a-matter-of-factly. 

Pepe doesn’t mention the obvious one, even though they are both thinking it.

~ 

On a rare occasion, they go out for dinner. Daniel drives all the way to the other side of Manchester and puts on a trucker hat and aviators even though the sun’s set. 

Fernando idly scans the wine list, when Daniel jumps at a camera flash. The table over is taking pictures of their food. He tries to reassure his boyfriend by squeezing his hand, but Daniel flinches away at the slight contact. 

“Don’t.” He frowns and it’s a warning. 

Fernando sighs and they go back to perusing the menu, hands carefully tucked on their side of the boundary outlined by the breadbasket. 

The food is well cooked and the setting is nice. Fernando has three glasses of wine while Daniel abstains since he has a game in two days. After they finish and pays, a girl with a basket of flowers comes by. 

“A rose for your boyfriend?” she asks. 

Daniel awkwardly laughs and shakes his head. “We’re just old friends catching up.” He feels like he needs to explain himself to this stranger who can’t be more than ten.

“Okay.” She gives a toothy smile and is about to go to the next table when Fernando speaks.

“Wait.” He reaches for his wallet. “I’ll take a flower anyways.” 

“What?” Dan hisses. “You can’t.” 

“Oh come on Daniel.” Fernando laughs, but there’s no warmth to his laughter. “You usually don’t say no to pretty girls.” He hands over a bill and accepts a single long stemmed rose.

The drive back is quiet, until Daniel breaks the silence. “That flower thing was risky, what if someone saw?” 

“Sometimes, risks are what makes it worth it.” 

~ 

Daniel doesn’t see it coming, and that’s really the gist of it.

He enters the apartment and is greeted by the silence of a dozen boxes staring back at him. 

Sometime later, Fernando comes in with Pomo and Yanta and it really must be one of those moments because for once, even the dogs are quiet. 

“Are you leaving?” he needs to confirm what his heart already knows. 

“Yes. I am.” 

He wonders why Fernando is so calm. “But, what about us?” 

The other man laughs, and there’s no warmth in the laughter. “What is there about us?” 

“Are you…” Daniel stops, he wishes he could’ve prepared ahead of time. “Are we breaking up?” 

“We’ve been broken for a long time.” Fernando gently reminds him.

“But we’re good for each other.” Daniel looks to his lover, can’t he see that? 

Fernando shakes his head with a bitter smile. “Then I guess we simply don’t see eye to eye on things.” 

“Please.” This is as close to begging as he knows. “Just stay.”

“No.” The blonde shakes his head, and those bangs fall onto his face. “I really can’t.” 

“I don’t understand.” Daniel wants to brush his hair from his eyes; he wants Fernando to stop with this nonsense. “I don’t understand why you have to go.” 

“Because.” Fernando pauses. “I don’t want to think that these seven years have been a mistake.” 

~ 

Even though Fernando has warned him, Daniel still feels nothing but shock when he knocks on Fernando’s door and it opens to reveal a stranger a week later. He mumbles about a wrong address and trips down the stairs in his haste to leave. As if he can run away from the evidence that Fernando has actually left him 

He tries Fernando’s cell, but an automated message lets him know that the number has been disconnected. He smashes the phone in the pavement.

Daniel goes home and rummages through his stuff. He searches for any proof, any reminders that Fernando was actually there or any clues to where he might be now. Other than photographs in a hidden folder named “tax files” on his computer, there is nothing at all. Fernando might’ve been nobody in his life, and he feels that way for the first time in his life. 

He skips training for two days, begging off with the stomach flu. He goes around to every spot Fernando has ever mentioned. He even takes a drive down to London and finds the bakery that he always brought pastries back from. 

Daniel is even desperate enough to show up at Pepe’s doorstep. The other man is not pleased to see him. “Are you searching for him because he’s gone, or because you actually miss him?” 

The silence answers for him and the Spanish man slams the door in his face. 

He never finds what he’s looking for. 

~ 

Days turn into weeks and keeps on going. Daniel never stops searching. 

He subscribes to _The New Yorker_ , _GQ_ , and even _British Food and Wine_. Every magazine that Fernando has ever written for, and ones he’s mentioned he would like to write for. He flips through them all, searching for that one name. 

He doesn’t find it, and the magazines stack up in tall towers in his house, layers of dust between them as he piles new ones on each month. 

The next season, Daniel scores again, a rare kick from forty yards out that against all odds, that ends up curling into the top corner. He blows a kiss high up into the sky and hopes that it’ll reach him somehow. He knows it’s unlikely, but so was that goal and he imagines Fernando watching the game wherever he is. 

He still goes out with the team, especially after big wins. But now he stays with the boys, doesn’t flirt with the waitresses, and never takes the napkins scrawled with phone numbers. 

The media picks up on it. 

“So Mr. Agger, are there any special ladies in your life?” the SkySports broadcaster isn’t very original. 

“No.” He denies and pauses, trying to phrase it right. “There is someone special, but I have a lot of chasing to do.” He refuses to answer any more questions. 

The boys all tease him about his vague comments. He tells them that he only said it to throw them off, because right now he only wants to focus on his career. It can’t be further from the truth, but his teammates are easy to fool, they’re not Fernando.       

~ 

The only positive is that he starts calling his mother a lot more. 

“Daniel, are you bringing anyone home for Christmas?” she always asks. 

“No, it’s just me.” The answer has been the same for three years now. He tries not to think about the time before that, the last time he really felt the holiday spirit. 

His mother is hesitant. “Maybe you should.” 

He sighs. “There is nobody to bring.” 

“Have you even tried looking? 

“Mom, I have _never_ stopped.” 

“Oh honey.” He can hear the worry in her voice. 

“I’ll find him.” And it’s not so much to re-assure his mother than a promise to himself. 

~ 

It’s Liverpool versus Real Madrid in the Santiago Bernabéu and the unthinkable happens. They win the Champion’s League, and he does feel genuine happiness as he lifts the trophy. But it’s not everything he’s wanted, he’s gotten greedier, or he has just lost more. 

The next morning, when everyone is still hung over he goes out for a walk in Madrid. He’s always wanted to visit where Fernando grew up. They had plans for a trip once, but like many things, it had been pushed aside. So he’s finally here now, not for the right reason, and without Fernando, but he’s finally come. 

He sits at a sidewalk café with an espresso, people watching, always watching. He only has twenty minutes before he has to return so he can fly back with their trophy. The desire is still there, to find Fernando, even if it’s to see a turned back or just to catch half a sentence. He wants more than that of course, but he knows he doesn’t deserve any of it. 

He just wants a glimpse, to see that Fernando’s still whole and good, that he didn’t destroy the one person who deserves everything in the world. 

For this moment, he’s waited four years. 

Fernando is walking down the street while talking to another man. The hair is shorter though still dyed blond and there’s a new patch of freckles on his chin, he is smiling as he gestures with his hands. What really throws Daniel off is the smile; he doesn’t think Fernando has ever smiled like that in public, lighting up brighter than the Spanish sunshine. 

The two men approach and Daniel is frozen. There is so many scenarios running through his head and he’s terrified that he’ll just fuck it up again. The companion says something, and Fernando laughs. That smile, and the easy laughter, this is something they’ve never had.

He wants to run up to him and wrestle him away. He wants to hold on and never let go. He wants to kiss those lips and see if he still tastes like chocolate mints. He wants to apologize and tell him, _I love you_ in the middle of the street. He knows it’s impossible, but he wants to make up for every moment he made Fernando feel unimportant. 

There’s an uncomfortable ache building in his gut, and he has to put down his cup before he drops it. Daniel is not a violent man, despite his appearance and dedication on the pitch, but right now, he’s shocked at how much hatred he can feel for a stranger. 

For the first time since Fernando left, he feels again. 

The two men are almost in front of him now. Fernando is still laughing, and smiling, and he can spot the deeper creases around his eyes. Those same eyes sweep right past him, and stills. 

Daniel doesn’t realize he’s stopped breathing until it becomes he feels a burn in his chest. He takes a breath and meets those eyes. 

Fernando whispers something to his friend in rapid Spanish, and the stranger gives him a quick hug and leaves. There are only three steps between them, but it might as well be three thousand miles. 

“Hello Daniel.” The wisp of a smile on Fernando’s face is a stranger. 

“I was a mistake.” He blurts out. Damn, this is not how he wants it go, but he’s spent so much time searching, hoping, praying – that he hasn’t planned past this single point in time. 

Something flickers on Fernando’s face, but he doesn’t say anything. Daniel takes that as a positive sign. 

“You’re right. You wasted your best years on me. But I’ll do anything, I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without.” 

~ 

He never ends up flying back to Liverpool with the rest of the team. He calls Stevie about a family emergency in Madrid (because Fernando is, and has been family ever since they met). His captain tells him that taking care of his happiness is far more important than a parade. Daniel should be surprised, but he finally believes in good things again. 

He meets Fernando for dinner at a restaurant. He gets there early and hands over a dozen red roses when he arrives. Fernando is surprised, but wary. 

“This doesn’t mean anything.” He warns the footballer.

“I know.” He’s not expecting anything; this is already more than what he hoped for. 

Dinner is a little tense. An outsider looking in might’ve thought they were almost strangers, not people who have known each other for more than a decade. 

Fernando tells him about his latest project. He’s working on a novel, based off a group of child soldier he met in Rwanda. The manuscript is almost finished and his editor has it lined up for a renowned publisher. 

Daniel is mesmerized, not just by the stories, but also how the candlelight dances on Fernando’s cheeks. They linger over dessert and Fernando’s hands shake when he talks a boy he met at the North Korea border. Daniel wants to have experienced these things with this man, but he didn’t, so he does the next best thing and slips their fingers together. 

Fernando pauses, and glances at their hand intertwined on the table and continues. Daniel counts that as a victory. 

~ 

Fernando flies in to Merseyside a Tuesday. He’s got a week off before he has to be in North America for a month long book tour. He’s waiting at the curb waiting for a Taxi when a familiarly flashy SUV pulls up and he can’t resist breaking into a smile. 

“Demoted from football star to chauffeur?” He asks when the other man gets out to load his suitcase into the trunk. 

“It’s not a demotion if I’m driving you around.” Daniel pulls the blonde in for a kiss. 

“Danny.” Fernando gasps into the kiss, the foreign feeling of spectators watching slowly creeps in. 

They break off and the footballer gives his hand a squeeze before they get into the car. 

“Are you hungry? I know you hate airline food, we can stop somewhere for dinner.” 

“I can always get something at the hotel.” Fernando yawns. 

“I was thinking, instead of the hotel…” Daniel keeps his focus on the road in front of him. “You could just stay at my place.” 

“Your house?” 

“Yeah.” 

Fernando scrunches up his face in the same way when he’s trying to rephrase one of his sentences. “Are you sure?” 

“Of course.” It’s the easiest question he’s ever been asked. 

“Okay.” It’s said quietly, but it hits Daniel with a sudden burst of warmth. He takes one of his hands off the wheel and reaches for the space in between. Previously he’s only been met with empty space, but this time, _this time around_ , he finds Fernando’s hands and _he does not let go_. 

~ 

These days, Fernando still doesn’t go to Anfield very often. But when he does, he always sits in the same seat in the family’s section. The other wives and girlfriends loves him and he plays with their children.  
  
Daniel still scores the occasional goal. When he does, he runs past his teammates, towards that stand and blows the man sitting there a kiss. They lock eyes and the smile he gets is louder and brighter than the whole of the Kop put together. 

These days, it’s the only thing that matters to Daniel. _Fernando._


End file.
